The Stillness Of You Read online

  At least the fuzziness wasn’t always there, seeping into my brain and stifling anything that was expressive.

  For now things were good enough. Though there was always the chance I could derail at any time and take a fuck-ton of people down with me and Matt knew it.

  So, I saw the worry, but I also saw the warning.

  Stay away, G. He’s mine.

  Ben glanced between the two of us. “I was just talking to your girlfriend about her art.”

  Wait. What?

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” Matt murmured turning back to Ben. “She’s my sister.”

  “Oh.” Ben dark gaze rested on me for a second. Or maybe it was two. However long it was, it was enough time to kick start my heart and that delicious, warm, feeling flooded my stomach, settling low in my belly. That delicious, warm feeling that had abandoned me ages ago.

  Wow. He was pretty damn potent to wring that kind of reaction from poor old medicated me. Though I supposed a physical reaction to someone like Ben Lancaster was a good thing. It meant that there were parts of me that weren’t dead.

  I glanced at Matt—who was frowning in my direction—and sighed.

  It was those parts of me that he was afraid of, and if I’d learned anything from the last year and a half, I should be more than a little scared of it myself. When I went off, the sky was the limit.

  No, that wasn’t true either. When I went off, there was no limit and when there was no ceiling above you, there sure as hell wasn’t anything soft to catch you when you fell.

  “Yes, she’s my little sister,” Matt said again—emphasizing the little part—before moving toward the kitchen. “She’s off limits, Lancaster.”

  Ben laughed, as if he thought Matt was kidding, but he’d have to be an idiot not to catch the underlying warning in my brother’s words.

  “She doesn’t look so little to me, but I get where you’re coming from. I’ve got a couple sisters of my own.”

  I glanced away, biting my lip.

  I bet they’re not as fucked up as I am.

  Chapter Three

  Ben

  There was something about Matt’s sister. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly, but it was there. Some invisible ‘thing’ she had, an energy or state of being.

  Whatever it was, it had my interest and—as I watched her take a sip of iced tea—I realized that whatever the hell that invisible thing was I wanted it. I wanted her.

  Simple as that. I. Wanted. Her.

  Georgia King. Sister to one of my coaches. How fucking inconvenient.

  The fact that I was even considering the possibility of Georgia was insane. Matt had already lifted his leg and pissed all over that idea. He didn’t want his sister involved with one of his guys. I got that. He probably thought it could problems and he was probably right.

  But that didn’t mean I couldn’t look. And maybe fantasize a bit.

  She swallowed the iced tea and her tongue darted out to slide along the inside corner of her mouth. Fucking Hell. Okay, I could fantasize a lot.

  For a second I let my mind wander to what I’d seen when I had first walked into Matt’s place. She had been in front of the window, her back to me, and her perfect ass on display in a pair of panties that cupped those sweet cheeks like a treasure.

  Her body rocked in a way I hadn’t seen in a while because most of the women I met were hard bodies. All they did was workout and pretend to eat while filling up on protein shakes, plates of greens and not much else.

  Playing professional hockey didn’t leave a hell of a lot of time for relationships—not that I was looking—and most of the women I met during the season were nothing but high end puck bunnies. I’d spent the first three years of my professional hockey career in LA playing for the Kings. Trust me, most of the girls who hung around the team were there for one reason only—they wanted to have sex with a hockey player and if they were really lucky, they might even get to date the guy for a while.

  They were usually blonde and stacked. Stacked with overly large, overly fake tits that while I could appreciate on some level (who the hell didn’t enjoy those things bouncing in their face as some blonde rode you like it was an Olympic sport,) at the end of the day they weren’t real. And neither were the hookups. They were about gratification and a good time.

  But this girl with her sweet ass, petite build and breasts that were definitely real, had my mind going south and my dick hard. And that was a problem because she was Matt’s sister. There was a code. A guy code and he’d already thrown down.

  I glanced at her again. But what a problem.

  Her eyes were amazing. They reminded me of that famous picture of the girl from the cover of Time Magazine or maybe it was National Geographic. The exotic girl with the light eyes. My grandmother kept it on the table near her fireplace and though I’d seen the thing a hundred times, I’d never really given the picture much thought until now.

  Because her eyes reminded me of Georgia’s. They were exotic. They were fantastic.

  And they’d been avoiding me since Matt walked through the door.

  “So, Lancaster,” Matt said as he relaxed in his chair and took another swig of his beer. He’d ordered Thai from a restaurant and we had just finished eating. “What are you looking to buy? You’re gonna be here a while so you don’t want to rush things.” His grin was contagious.

  Damn straight. I’d just inked a ten year contract that was going to pay me a shit-ton of cash to do what I loved the most. Play hockey.

  The truth of it was, the Flyers had always been my team. And this is from a kid who grew up near Toronto, where if you weren’t a Leaf fan, you were nothing. I’d been drafted in the first round by LA, third pick overall, and while the Kings were a fine team, the Flyers had always been my dream. When my contract expired it had been a no brainer and I had my agent push for a trade. Luckily, the Kings were in need of a goalie and some defensemen and we’d been able to broker a deal.

  So here I was. What was I looking to buy? The fucking moon.

  “Let me guess,” Georgia said softly. Her eyes were lowered and she fingered her now empty glass. “You’re looking for something similar to Matt’s, probably not far from here. Something close to the bars and the nightlife.”

  Wrong.

  “Actually I want something outside of the city. Preferably a place with a bit of property too. A fixer upper.”

  She glanced up quickly. “Really.” She was surprised.

  I liked that she was surprised. “Really,” I answered with a slow grin. “I like working with my hands.”

  A heartbeat passed and her gaze never wavered. That heat in my gut curled something fierce. My cock twitched.

  “I bet you do,” she finally replied.

  Matt cleared his throat. “Did you find a real estate agent? I’ve got a few connections. The chick who helped me find this place is really good.”

  I shook my head. “Nah. I did some homework. I’ve got a bunch of properties I want to check out, so I thought I’d take some time over the next few days and look myself before I approach an agent.” A thought crossed my mind and I frowned. “Unless it’s too much for you guys. I can go to a hotel.”

  “No, it’s fine.” Matt shrugged. “As long as you don’t mind sleeping on the pullout sofa in the office. Georgia is crashing here at the moment and has the extra bedroom.”

  “I don’t mind.” My gaze was back on Georgia and this time she didn’t look away.

  “You’re Canadian,” she said.

  “Yep. I’m a Canuck.”

  “Your accent isn’t as pronounced as the others.”

  “The others?”

  She reached for her iced tea but it was empty, so her fingers slid along the top, nice and slow, trailing along the condensation that fell down the side. “The other Canadians on the team.”

  I wondered which ones she knew and how well she knew them.

  “My mother is American, which was one of the reasons I went to Bowling Green U
niversity in Ohio. That could have something to do with it.”

  “Hmm, that’s probably it,” she said.

  “And I try not to say, ‘eh’ in every other sentence”

  “That’s too bad. I find it sweet.”

  Sweet wasn’t exactly a word I’d use to describe myself.

  Sweet wasn’t exactly how I’d describe the look in Georgia’s eyes either. I shifted uncomfortably and a slight smile drifted over her face, as if she knew I was sporting a hard on the size of a fucking football beneath the table.

  I didn’t know what this was between us, but it was something and I realized it was gonna be hard to honor the ‘hands off’ thing. I also wondered how serious Matt was about it.

  “Yeah, so about the real estate agent. You’re good?” Matt asked.

  “I’m good. When I’m ready I’ve got a number.”

  Matt pushed back from the table and started to gather up some of the take out containers. “I’d come with you, but I’m heading to the Cape first thing in the morning for the Fourth of July long weekend. Heather is already there.”

  Heather. Right. The girlfriend.

  “I’ll go with you, you know, if you want to look at the properties.” Georgia seemed surprised that she’d spoken and I didn’t miss the sharp look thrown her way by her brother. “I have no plans.”

  “You’re not coming with me to the Cape?” Matt frowned.

  “Hell no. Matt, I told you I wasn’t interested in playing third wheel on your weekend with Heather. I’m not going.” She rose as well, her glass in her hand as she faced her brother.

  Matt looked hard assed. Intense. He looked like it was the final minutes of the third period and we were down by a goal.

  His frown deepened.

  Or maybe two.

  I took another sip from my beer and watched the fireworks.

  “But she’s expecting you,” he said carefully as if searching for the right words. As if he didn’t want to piss her off, which was something I found interesting.

  “No, she’s dreading me and you know it. I don’t fit inside the perfect little world that Heather Newcastle lives in.” She shoved her drink onto the counter and folded her arms across her chest. “I’m staying here.”

  “But—”

  “I’ll be fine and look,” she pointed at me. “I won’t be alone either so you don’t have to worry. Besides,” she said and this time those amazing eyes were on me.

  Fuck. There went the cock again and I winced. Big twitch.

  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for her to stay. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to resist the pull of those eyes.

  “If I don’t help Ben find a place to stay, you’ll never get your office back. It will be like LeBlanc all over again.”

  What the hell? I was nothing like Trevor LeBlanc.

  “What exactly does that mean?” I asked those eyes.

  “Trevor stayed with Matt a few years ago when he was new to the Flyers. He was supposed to find his own place too but he ended up here for months. The guy was a slob and a whore and he drove Matt crazy.” She grinned. “Not that I’m insinuating you’re a slob.”

  “Good to know.” Damn, I liked this girl. “Though I should point out I’m not a whore either.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Matt muttered.

  Okay, what was up with the guy? I got the protective brother thing, but wasn’t he carrying it a little too far?

  “It’s a done deal. I’m not going and unless you want to unleash Heather’s nasty side I suggest you pack your bag and make sure you’re on the road as early as possible because we both know her crazy is nearly as bad as mine.”

  “Georgia. I just…” Matt looked like he wanted to say a hell of a lot more than those three words and for the first time I felt as if I was stepping into some family business that I had no desire or need to step into.

  “So, Ben,” she said casually as she rinsed her glass out and tossed it into the dishwasher. “Get your list ready and we’ll head out tomorrow morning. Sound good?”

  “Sure,” I answered slowly, for the first time thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. You know, with Matt glaring at me. His eyes saying what his mouth was unable to.

  You touch her and you’re dead.

  “I’ve got nothing but time.”

  Chapter Four

  Georgia

  I was awake long before my brother was, though I pretended I had just woken up when he poked his head into my room. It was dark out, just after four in the morning and he would be leaving for the Cape soon.

  “Hey,” he said moving toward my bed.

  “Hey, yourself,” I answered propping myself against the headboard as we studied each other in the dim glow from my nightlight.

  “So, I guess I’m heading out in a few.”

  “I see that.”

  Matt was silent for a few moments and I knew I was going to have to help him out. He had always been a guy who wore his heart on his sleeve. It’s one of the things I loved the most about my brother and I knew he was worried. If he had known that I had laid in bed for the past three hours, wide awake, struggling to hold on to my racing mind, he would have freaked. He would have torn my room apart looking for the klonopin, and he would have shoved that shit down my throat before you could even say klonopin.

  There would be a big scene and he certainly wouldn’t be leaving for the Cape without me. And that wasn’t acceptable. I’d already cost him so much and he needed time with Heather. Quality time. God, the guy hadn’t been laid since I had moved in with him because his girlfriend stopped visiting from Manhattan and he was too protective to leave me on my own.

  It had to stop.

  “Matt, I’m good. Really. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  His light eyes were so expressive and I saw the worry though he said nothing. He was thinking that I wasn’t ready to be left alone. That he couldn’t trust me to be left alone.

  He was thinking of that night almost nine months ago. The night when he’d been called away from a game in Chicago because his baby sister had been found wandering the campus of her Liberal Arts College in upstate New York, half naked, ranting like a crazy person and threatening to kill herself.

  I saw that night reflected in his eyes and it brought tears to my own. It took a moment for me to push back the emotion. I thought of my run. Of how I would throw on my Nikes and put one foot in front of the other for five miles.

  I thought of how tired I’d feel physically and of how empty my mind would be. Some mornings it was the only thing that got me out of bed.

  Slowly, I swung my legs across the mattress until they dangled inches from the hardwood floor and propped my hands along the edge. “Matt,” I said softly. “I feel good. I feel…settled you know? The pieces inside me, the ones that used to move so fast I was never able to catch my breath, well, they’re not moving anymore.”

  That was a lie, but at least they weren’t moving as fast and for me that was a win.

  God, it was so hard to describe what I was feeling. What I used to feel before. Before Oak Run. Before the diagnosis. Before the pills inside my dresser drawer helped to make everything better. Clearer.

  “Seamus said it would be good for me to have some alone time.”

  He wasn’t buying it. “You’re alone when I’m at work.”

  “True, but that’s not what he meant and you know it. I’ve been here for three months Matt. The time for baby steps are over. I need this.”

  “G, I don’t know.”

  “Matt, you need to drive to the Cape and you need to have lots of hot, horny sex with your girlfriend.”

  He made a face.

  “It’s true. If you don’t fuck her this weekend she’s going to give up on you and find someone else to give her orgasms.”

  Of course I would be fine with that, but for whatever reason Matt liked Heather, and he had liked Heather Newcastle for nearly two years now. Though, my train of thought was that if he was serious
about her she’d be sporting a diamond on her ring finger and she wasn’t.

  Thank God.

  I saw him waver so I jumped up and hugged him. “I’ll show Ben around and help him find a place, okay? And you’ll be back, what…” I stepped back, a gentle smile on my lips. “On Monday? We’ll be good. I’ll be good, I promise. And Ben, well, he’s not some serial killer or anything, is he?”

  “No, but he is the future of the Flyers so, G, I really need you to be careful, okay?”

  “I can handle Ben Lancaster.”

  “It’s not you I’m worried about.”

  “Seriously, Matt. I’m not crazy Georgia anymore. You don’t need to worry.”

  Matt grabbed me close once more. “Alright. I’ve got my cell and I’ll have my laptop with me, so if you need to talk, just…”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I pulled away. “I’ll call you.”

  Matt strode toward the door but paused before leaving. “G,” he said softly. “I love you.”

  “I know.”

  And then he was gone.

  I stared at my rumpled bed and then crossed to the window so I could look down into the empty streets below. Matt’s loft was the entire top floor of one of the oldest buildings in Old City and it cost a fortune. It definitely wasn’t something he would be able to afford working for the Flyers as an assistant coach, but our parents had been loaded—old family money from my mother’s side—and when they had died three years ago, their fortune was passed to us.

  Except for the moment, Matt controlled my money because I was the crazy girl. The crazy girl who had fucked and partied her way through more guys and nights than she could count. The crazy girl who had given up on everything except whatever could make the noise stop or the slow down the fast parts inside her. The crazy girl who had tried to kill herself.

  “All in the past,” I murmured.

  Ben was still sleeping when I left for my run, his tall body not exactly a fit for the queen size pullout. The door to the office was wide open and I couldn’t, not peek. The guy wore boxers to bed and as I took an extra second or two to appreciate the curve of his ass, I wondered if the boxers were just for our benefit. He totally seemed like the kind of guy who slept naked.